that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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