I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
