I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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