Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
