If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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