I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life