It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
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You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?