Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
They have beer where we have blood.