i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
