he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
