she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
