Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
