margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
