Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
