Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
