I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
