I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
