You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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