We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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