the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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