Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
