No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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