lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
