Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
