the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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