this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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