So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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