I think I died a long time ago.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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