saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
