Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
