Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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