apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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