I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
