Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
