I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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