Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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