Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
