am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
