Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
