According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I had to cum in my sink.
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