pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
