No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
