Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
