fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
