We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
