Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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