I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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