I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
