Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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