I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
