the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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