Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
