I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
