i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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