and you said cock pushups were impossible
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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