New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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